Emor excerpts

אמור

Shabbat Shalom

(22:20) All your vows and voluntary offerings must be perfect. you cannot bring an animal with a blemish. It will not be favorable for you.

I am constantly hearing from you, 'Oh. I am going to do a favor.' Stop doing favors. They are not appreciated. Find a way to use your time other than volunteering. Watch TV or something...Some of your favors have been so messed up. Nobody wanted a synagogue petting zoo...And now we have to volunteer everyday, thanks to the Zimfeld's blemished donation....

Some gifts are not good enough. Yes. The thought does not always count for much...My birthday last year...Could have not put much thought into it and given the rabbi a raise...

How about obligations? Like showing up to shule on time. Honoring your parents. Maybe not sticking them in an old-age home, and never visiting them....they know they are old. Does it have to say that on their home itself? The front of the Goldstein's house says, Goldstein. Should we now change that to 'Old Godsteins.' They are past 70, moving into the mid-80s. They are old. But you don't put that on the house itself...

(22:31) 'And you shall guard My mitzvot and do them...Do not profane My Holy name...brought you out of Egypt to be a Gd to you.'

A relationship is built on expectations. Just don't profane the shule...Now we have a goat sitting in the junior congregation room, which is not happening this Shabbat. Can somebody volunteer to get the goat out of the room?....

I have done soo much for you and this sweater I am wearing is all you could give your rabbi for his birthday? Written on it 'Rabbi'? Is it going to say 'Old Rabbi' in another 30 years?

A misstich???? 

Not appreciated.

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, and is booking his America tour as a Comic-in-Residence for June and October.
Shabbat Shalom