Shlach excerpts

שלח

Shabbat Shalom

(15:40) After all this not wanting to go to Israel. They see the spies die and start crying...now we are ready to go to the place that H' wants us to...All it takes is a little plague, and these people are willing. No more sea splitting necessary. A few deaths and now they are willing to follow H.' A little reminder that you don't decide when you die and we have a Shomer Shabbat 90 year old in this congregation...Bernie. You can't move anyways. What are you going to  do on Shabbat?

You hear you are going to die, things change all the sudden...Maybe you would do your homework...Maybe people would show up to Minyan on time. Maybe a kiddush would be sponsored...

All the sudden, they start crying. They hear they are going to die and only the next generation is going into Israel, after having to spend 40 years in the desert. Obviously, the concern is about themselves, not about the future generations. Kind of like this congregation where there is not even a youth group or a hall to run in on Shabbat. Your children are running into the middle of the street...Is the write off not good enough?...The seats are torn. You make a decision to change the arcade room into a chapel. No thinking about the next generation...How much paper football do you expect them to play on the lecturn?...

Always starts when you hear the punishment...If the punishment was a late dinner, you would still be eating your tarfus. Always eating treif till Hana choked on the crab leg. It is sharp. You choke on it, if you eat it...Sign from Gd. That is what you call stupidity...All the sudden, Teshuva (repentance from heretics). Does it even count? You people can't even cook a brisket.

It depends on how bad the punishment. Bad enough and you are crying, apologizing, even forcing your kids to chew on their crab before swallowing...

Is that even Teshuva, you selfish...

(15:41-42) Moshe tells them that their Teshuva is not going to help now. It is not going to help now. 

You are not going up. Don't go up and start going against H' again. it is too late. Sometimes it is too late. You ate the crab. You cannot put it back in the kitchen now. You showed up not prepared for the pop quiz Miky. Didn't do the Hebrew school homework...No. You do that stuff. Some day you might have to get a job where they ask you to read Torah trup. You expected multiple choice.

These people listen to the spies. Not even Yehoshua and Calev. The other ones....how many times have you went along with the gabbai? SInners...

I saw Miky hit is mom. Then he cryed. Then he apologized, and he got the candy...No. Too late buddy. No candy. Cry more...The whole shule would have applauded you if you smacked him. 'No Miky. Now you cannot climb up that mountain of candy. There is no candy there anymore. The candy was there. Then I ate it. I put the others aside for your friends, who listened to their parents and did not complain about the rabbis sermon being scary long.' 

Sometimes it is too late. It is even offensive. Like H' is going to forget? We cannot have this type of attitude in Israel. Which is why you all live in the US...Do any of you have the heart? 

Are you just going to cry when you lost? For no reason, other than your selfish goal of getting to the potato kugel at kiddush?..

Which is why I am thinking I am going to leave. Unless I receive a raise.

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, and is booking his America tour as a Comic-in-Residence for October.

Shabbat Shalom