Shmini Excerpts

שמיני

Shabbat Shalom 

Nobody listened to the message two weeks ago. You all smelled bad on the second day of Yom Tov. The inauguration of Pesach was without showers. And again you smell bad...

Another two day Yom Tov. And I speak to you now. On the 8th day...Yes, I didn't give speeches over Pesach, Bernie. You all complained about the Dvar Torah's at the Seder. They were long. You want me to give more of those in shul? One day without is OK...Ask the people at my Seder last night. I did my job...I talked already today Frank...The Jewish day starts at night...

Pesach is about a new start. A new start of health. To fill up and to make a commitment to a diet. I know most of you cannot commit to much, but Pesach breads new beginnings...The Omer offering. New sheaves. How many sheaves do we ever have in this...Sheaves are important...

The 8th day, the inauguration service of the Tabernacle comes to an end...Mishkan, for those who would like an easier word to understand...It's a new start. And the first thing we learn is what you can eat. Our practice of what we can eat makes us holy and contaminates us. Praiseworthy or abominable. Do you eat shmurah matzah or machine?...

It is the beginning and what we focus on is what goes into our mouths. That is how we keep holy. First step of holiness is the easiest orifice to open and let rip.

(11:1-32) We learn about the animals you can't eat and how they make you impure...

Can't eat animals that don't chew their cud and have split hooves. Some animals chew their cud, but don't have split hooves. Can't eat them. You can't eat anything you want, even if it's not kosher...There she goes, crying about free choice again. This has nothing to do with abortion. This is about eating animals...Can somebody stop the liberal revolt here. Young lady, one day you will want to eat...The Torah says you can't eat certain animals. That is animal rights, right there...

We do not try to emulate the animals that we eat, and chew our cud. We must stop Rick from swallowing and then bringing it back up to chew again. Vomiting in the mouth is not a human trait. But we do cut our toe nails.

Let's talk about Kosher...I don't know if nails are kosher or not. I don't know everything...Tell him to stop chewing his nails...Kosher is not a style. Kosher is a law.

Meat is not Kitnyot. It is not a legume.

(11:9) Sea animals need fins and scales to be kosher. They just look nicer with them. (11:13-18) There are even birds you can't eat...Even if they nest on your porch...We are going to list them now. Because you people don't keep kosher. The Daya and Aya and Hayaana birds...We should have a test on it.

(11:20-23 & 29-31) Most insects and small ground animals are frobidden. Tell that to Chaim. You can't just stick your hand in the sandbox and eat it...No. It is not legumes.

It is about being pure. About being clean. About being in a state where your prayers are worthy and you smell decent enough to pray with a congregation.

(11:24-28) Touching dead animals contiminates. You are impure till evening. From now on, nobody in this congregation shakes my hand during the day. I don't want the Tumah...Bernie. I don't know what you people touch. you show up to minyan in rags.

(11:32) Utensils and clothes become contaminated...You have to clean those too, Mark. The wealthiest shnurer looking people.