Emor Excerpts

אמור

Shabbat Shalom

Achrei Mot Kedoshim Emor. After one’s death you speak holiness… You don’t start cursing the person. You bring cake… No. You don’t say, ‘May he live and be well’… Exactly. You only say that about people you don’t like, Fran… Yes. I repeat that every year… Because it is the name of the last three portions and makes a beautiful teaching… We pulled out our Tzitzit in the airport in Germany on Yom HaShoa. After their death, we said Shema, with our Tzitzit in Germany. That is holiness… People wear tzitzit Frank. Not everybody depends on a Tallis only.

Yom HaAtzmaut was meaningful. Going to Israel… Yes. It is better than seeing the Israeli group at the city program. How many times can we watch a line dance of Israelis on a stage, singing ‘Yachad Yachad’?... There is more to Israel….

Yes. We are a week ahead. I was in Israel. Planned it. Israel. The holy land. Where in life, you say holy things… Holiness is what we speak about.

(21:18-21) ‘…any man who has a defect should not approach: A blind man or a lame one, or one with a sunken nose or with mismatching limbs; or a man who has a broken leg or a broken arm; or one with long eyebrows, or a cataract, or a commingling in his eye; dry lesions or weeping sores, or one with crushed testicles. Any man among Aaron the kohen's offspring who has a defect shall not draw near to offer up the Lord's fire offerings. There is a defect in him; he shall not draw near to offer up his God's food.’ That is just offensive. Just go off on the long eyebrowed guy. The Torah is just going off on people that are easy to make fun of. ‘Look at broken arm man (fake arm hang acting out). Can you carry a lamb like that? Didn’t think so’….

Sounds like the Torah is just making fun of people here. ‘Mismatching eye man.’

Ugly people cannot serve… Not good looking enough to serve Gd. The gabbai is going to start checking you out to see if you are fit… I know the gabbai has a chipped tooth. It’s an embarrassment and bothers my Kavanah.

It is so disturbing to have to see out of shape ugly people getting Aliyahs. We have new standards in this shul.

(21:22-23) ‘…he can eat of the holy…can’t go inside the curtain…’ So, yes. They can pray with us… Good question… Any other questions about Zayn’s new man grooming palor for men who care to get rid of their unibrow? We are requiring all members of the congregation go. For better Torah callups… Don’t go. No Aliyah. No leading services… Standards.

(24:2) We use ‘clear olive oil… pressed for illuminance.’ That is what you light the Menorah with... Clear olive oil. None of this virgin stuff… For illuminating. You don’t press it for cooking. It’s a different thing Bernie. It’s a defect. Only the clear stuff.

You do it a specific way. That is how tradition works. Ceremony… (24:3) In the Tent of Meeting… Yes. Of course, you don’t know why. It’s a Chok. A decree. Do you even know how the electricity in your house works?...

(24:5-8) You also do the Challah right. You make it with fine flour… I understand it is not as healthy as whole wheat, but it sounds better than taking the thick flour. Ever had a good egg challah. It’s nice… There is an amount.  You set up the show bread… ‘it shall be a remembrance… Arrange it before H’…

Before Shabbat it is set up.’ It is a ‘Brit’ a covenant. You want H’ remembering a dried out water challah? Make it right. Whole wheat is great. But mayonnaise is better on white bread.

When you set things up right, you don’t speak Lashon hara. You have the guy with the unibrow setting up the Challah, everybody’s talking. ‘Look at unibrow cahllah guy. Soon he is not even the challah guy. He’s Brow Man…

Where do you eat it? (24:9) In a holy place. What kind of a question is that?

…you’re still speaking lashon hara about him? … Yes. That is worse than saying he can’t serve in the Beis Hamikdash… How did gay people get brought into this?

Let’s see where the real problem starts. (24:10-14)… A man went out in the camp and cursed H.’ Ibn Ezra says he was scoffing the showbread. It’s not a unibrowed dude. You don’t make fun of it… That caused a fight in the camp... Because Jews used to care. And they brought it to Moshe… Yes. They saw a problem and told Moshe about it… Yes. You snitch when it’s against Gd… You want stitches from Gd? Then OK. That’s what Shlomit’s son got… H’ said to take him out of the camp and stone him… Yes. You don’t mess with Gd… Snitches give stiches… I think Shlomit’s son had two eyebrows. Separate… After they stoned him, he could not serve in the Tabernacle…

Yes. It’s a long Dvar Torah. You got mad I didn’t give one at the end of Pesach. I am making it up now.

No. You can’t curse H.’ (24:15-16)… Yes. We will stone you…  We care. (24:17-21) And there are other laws of injury. You pay for damages… Yes. Even if an animal attacks, you pay… Your dog is messed up...

Why talk about it here? There is a chance to teach, so we go further. It goes from unibrow to lighting in the Tabernacle, to your messed up animal.

Why put it all together? (24:22) There is ‘one law’ for everybody… Proselytes too. Same law. Yeah. I know you already converted. You got in. Got the job you wanted. Got a raise for being Jewish. You still have to keep the laws… Good question… That is how Lashon Hara starts.

(24:23) And ‘they took the blasphemer out of the camp and stoned him to death’… You don’t stone in the camp. It’s dirty. Got kids. It’s not like dodgeball. You play dodgeball in the camp. ‘…like H’ commanded Moshe.’ That is how we do it. That is how you light the Menorah and set up the showbread. That is how you pay for damages. That is how you mock weird looking people. And that is how you kill Shlomit’s son.