Ha'azinu excerpts for Shabbat Shuva
האזינו
Shabbat Shalom
We just finished Rosh Hashana, and already 3 fourths of the congregation is not here.
I am full.
This 'Ha'azinu' thing is just as hard to understand as Selichot. If I may say, Shay Agnon is easier to understand than this...What is not hard to understand is what you people do when you think all is good. You just got through Rosh Hashana and you are already sinning...What about Gedaliah? Do you guys even fast now? Now that you feel like you are pure?...Going into the JCC pool without a swimsuit is not considered taking a purifying bath...Next time Frank, please do it in the ocean. You are giving our shule a bad rep in the community...
(32:16-17) Then, with success, Israel starts serving other g-ds. First there are abominations. Then you run to serve stuff you didn't even know until now.
Love the new. Like nothing good ever happens in your youth, you are are running to serve other g-ds you did not know of. Always need the new...
Always got to be the new thing. It is fresh. Sculpted it yesterday. That is the new g-d.
Always into the new style. And I must say, I cannot even look into the women's section. This new style you are wearing, is painfully blinding me. What you reflect is a lack of love for H.' If you loved H,' you would show up to shule dressed...
You've got to find another to worship. H' doesn't go for abominations. All your little sins....Does this at all make sense? Not the point. This is poetry...Ha'azinu...You can't connect anymore with a Gd that says you must be moral. If you cannot create your own morality and expose...Frank...
(32:15) It all starts with success. You make money, you have desires.
Start to eat. Start to enjoy. Start to play Settlers of Catan. The Torah gets in the way. H' is there, reminding you that with all of your money, you don't run the world.
And that is when you become full of contempt. Like your fat bodies. You are full of this anger that you are not the one running it.
Learn to accept that you are not in charge. For all of our sake. It is a positive that Frank is not running the world. Don't scorn the One who gives you life and the gift of wealth. That is an abomination. You make money, next thing you know, Mishkav Zachar (Rashi)...
Purity is found in what you do with your success.
This Motzei Rosh Hashana Shabbat. The Shabbat of Return. Happening right after Rosh Hashana. The question is how will you use your three days of gorging, fat bodies. Will you use it to serve H'? Or will you use it to abominate; like Frank, who's shabbis shirt is all tube topping, belly showing?...
Will you do what your rabbi did with the new-found weight, and eat more, to serve H,' this Shabbat?
You all have the High Holiday cards in the seat in front of you. Just flip it over. You are not going to pay it anyways. You all blamed the 20,000 dollar donation flip on Brian last year. We have held Brian out of shule until the cards have been placed in the boxes.
Ha'azinu- The heavens are listening. Are you willing to look up and pay your debt? Is there anybody listening in this congregation?
It has been a pleasure giving this sermon over to you, Frank, and my wife. I do not see anybody else here. Strong message. I know. Hunny, I am sorry. I don't care for your new dress. And yes, you put on weight the past few days...
***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, if you invite him.
Shana Tova vShabbat Shalom
Shabbat Shalom
We just finished Rosh Hashana, and already 3 fourths of the congregation is not here.
I am full.
This 'Ha'azinu' thing is just as hard to understand as Selichot. If I may say, Shay Agnon is easier to understand than this...What is not hard to understand is what you people do when you think all is good. You just got through Rosh Hashana and you are already sinning...What about Gedaliah? Do you guys even fast now? Now that you feel like you are pure?...Going into the JCC pool without a swimsuit is not considered taking a purifying bath...Next time Frank, please do it in the ocean. You are giving our shule a bad rep in the community...
(32:16-17) Then, with success, Israel starts serving other g-ds. First there are abominations. Then you run to serve stuff you didn't even know until now.
Love the new. Like nothing good ever happens in your youth, you are are running to serve other g-ds you did not know of. Always need the new...
Always got to be the new thing. It is fresh. Sculpted it yesterday. That is the new g-d.
Always into the new style. And I must say, I cannot even look into the women's section. This new style you are wearing, is painfully blinding me. What you reflect is a lack of love for H.' If you loved H,' you would show up to shule dressed...
You've got to find another to worship. H' doesn't go for abominations. All your little sins....Does this at all make sense? Not the point. This is poetry...Ha'azinu...You can't connect anymore with a Gd that says you must be moral. If you cannot create your own morality and expose...Frank...
(32:15) It all starts with success. You make money, you have desires.
Start to eat. Start to enjoy. Start to play Settlers of Catan. The Torah gets in the way. H' is there, reminding you that with all of your money, you don't run the world.
And that is when you become full of contempt. Like your fat bodies. You are full of this anger that you are not the one running it.
Learn to accept that you are not in charge. For all of our sake. It is a positive that Frank is not running the world. Don't scorn the One who gives you life and the gift of wealth. That is an abomination. You make money, next thing you know, Mishkav Zachar (Rashi)...
Purity is found in what you do with your success.
This Motzei Rosh Hashana Shabbat. The Shabbat of Return. Happening right after Rosh Hashana. The question is how will you use your three days of gorging, fat bodies. Will you use it to serve H'? Or will you use it to abominate; like Frank, who's shabbis shirt is all tube topping, belly showing?...
Will you do what your rabbi did with the new-found weight, and eat more, to serve H,' this Shabbat?
You all have the High Holiday cards in the seat in front of you. Just flip it over. You are not going to pay it anyways. You all blamed the 20,000 dollar donation flip on Brian last year. We have held Brian out of shule until the cards have been placed in the boxes.
Ha'azinu- The heavens are listening. Are you willing to look up and pay your debt? Is there anybody listening in this congregation?
It has been a pleasure giving this sermon over to you, Frank, and my wife. I do not see anybody else here. Strong message. I know. Hunny, I am sorry. I don't care for your new dress. And yes, you put on weight the past few days...
***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, if you invite him.
Shana Tova vShabbat Shalom
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