Vaetchanan Excerpts

ואתחנן

Shabbat Shalom

And Moshe blames the people for his not entering Israel. I have not been able to enter the local 7/11 since our members were caught bringing in the 5 gallon water cooler jugs, for bring your own cup day. An embarrassment.  And I do blame you for myself not moving to Israel...No, Eli, they do not have slurpees in Israel...There is no 7/11.

Why did I not move to Israel? You needed a leader. Somebody who could tell you what you are doing right and wrong. I do not remember the last time you did something right. You need somebody to tell you. That is why I am here.

Half of you have a religious ego. You read the Barchu blessing correctly and it is a big show. You walk around the whole synagogue, shaking everybody's hand. Like you hit a home run Bernie...Last time, you got mad that there was no applause for your reading of the transliteration.

Your kids in shul walk right up to the Bimah, the stage that the cantor is praying on, all spaced out. Whenever they want....Because you don't parent, Mark. Your kids do whatever they want...Try parenting. Maybe tell them, 'No running around the shule.' And when they ask you why, like you always ask me, tell them, 'Because you are in shule and there are other people around. This isn't our home, you can't do whatever you want and jump on the chairs...You have to be called to the Torah to be up here.' 

The people allow Moshe to speak to H,' because we couldn't handle it. (5:22) '...if we continue to hear the voice of H,' more, we will die.' If we continue to listen to Bernie talk, somebody will want to take their life. If we continue to listen to the voice of the Chazan (cantor, if that helps), we will die…

You all couldn’t handle the sermon I gave the other day, when I told you to keep the Mitzvot. You all said, ‘Please stop, or we will miss our golfing match.’ And you all said, let Bernice listen to the sermon for us. And it was good in the rabbi’s eyes, as Bernice is the one congregant who listens…Yes, I gave a sermon in the middle of the week, for your sake.

(5:25) H' hears the argument of the people, and H’ said, ‘They did well in all that they spoke.’ Bernie hasn’t said a pointful thing in the past 18 years. Merv loves it.

This is why they sent Moshe to do the talking for them. To hear H,' and relay the message. You need an intermediary, because you never listen the first time…Every Kiddush, you all come over telling me how great the sermon is, ‘What did you say?’ You never listen the first time. I have to repeat it while I am trying to enjoy the Williams whiskey…You kill enjoyment because you don’t listen. Another thing Moshe should have blamed the people for.

(5:26) The message- keep the mitzvot and it willl be good. That is it. Every sermon you have ever heard…We have heard this before. Do I have to repeat this again?

You keep what Moshe says. It is that simple. Please listen Mark, as I am sick of being the intermediary here…

You watch over your children.

(5:29) Don't stray from it 'Left or right.' Hymie can't even drive straight. A 15 minute left hand turn. It is simple, you follow the laws. 

Have to tell you to give Tzedakah?...Yes. Charity Faigee. Happy to have you back from Israel. She just learned some Hebrew…I am standing with the Tzedakah box for 5 minutes, right in front of the guy. He can’t give, because he has a bill bigger than a one. The law does not state that you are not allowed to give charity unless it is a dollar or less…That is why the shule is in debt.

Where does the money even go? To the shules thrift shop? Why are you counting it and exchanging money all the time? Greg, we know you are pocketing it…I have no more money to pop tags. Are you popping tag

It is because you do not fear. (6:1-2) 'These are the mitzvot...in order that you fear H'...'

Fear is not mentioned when speaking about hearing H' talk. They say, ‘lest we die.’ Death is a tiny fear. Fear is only mentioned when practicing the mitzvot. The commandments and laws is when we have fear. We instill it in ourselves.

And I am here to instill fear in you. Keep the mitzvoth. Make your way to shule during the week. Don’t speak Lashon Hara…Yes, bad about other people Faigee. Like it is bad to talk in the rabbi’s sermon. Don’t talk about other people. Just don’t talk. Pray. Keep the holidays. Don’t drive on Shabbat. You are all scared now, as you are fear you will have to keep the mitzvoth and do something, like giving a little charity and parenting. Do not steal. Oh. Sorry to mention that you shouldn’t steal everything from the 7/11…Maybe if your parents parented, Mike wouldn’t be going to juvie for a slurpee…

(6:11-12) When you have the wealth and all is easy, guard yourself. That is when people forget H.'

You have a little money, and you still don't need H' anymore. Why pray? What are you going to pray for? Money?

It is because your focus is off. The Michlowitzs have no money and they are out at the baseball game today. Heathens.

Poor people need H.' Nobody is living in Skatsville praying. They are playing golf today

It is because you have money, and no fear. You have no intermediary and you don’t listen. You do not give tzedakah. You come to shule with your kids and nobody to watch the little ones. You wear tight pants that you bought from a thrift shop, when you should be paying retail and donating money to the shule.

You have no fear. Do you want to hear Bernie tell another joke? I will tell him to...I will not do that. That is too mean. I would not do that to this congregation…Yes, I care about you Mark. I hope you care about me as well, as I am not one of your children. I was only sharing an example of how you have no fear for Gd.

When you have wealth, you do not bring 5 gallon jugs on fill your own cup day, at 7/11...That is not a jug Eli.

Who here is going to tell you when to make that right hand turn? Not to stray? I have to keep you constantly on the path. And there is fear on that path. Mark’s children might be there….

That is why I can't move to Israel. And H' will not let me move to Israel, because He doesn't want our community there…

As we see, Mark, rich kids need parenting.

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.

David also tours as a Maggid around the world, with very few stories.

Shabbat Shalom