Terumah Excerpts

תרומה

Shabbat Shalom

(26:33) 'The partition shall separate for you, between holy and holy of holies.' Even for different levels of holy, there is separation. Why can't somebody distance Bernie from me? It is not that hard to move him a few rows back...I do not want to hear is chaching anymore. There is a reason the rabbi sits all the way over here, and the rest of the congregation over there. It is for the holiness of our synagogue...

And then nobody distanced the two people fighting last week...Distance is important. You have to get between things. A partition. 

I know it is not good that Yehudit got involved. She is pregnant. But she is the only Gever in this congregation. I remember when everybody ran away from the mouse. Yehudit was right in there.

Since nobody helped, we are starting shul self-defense courses. First thing is to stop people from sneezing on you. Remember to carry a tissue and put it up quickly. Yehudit, please demonstrate...Fran has been knocked over so many times at kiddush. Siddurim are flying all over the place. And the Tallis tassels have whacked one too many in the eyes. We cannot separate this whole shul from each other...Yes, it would bring a lot of Shalom. But we do not have the funds. The Beis Hamikdash had the funds. Everything was made out of oil. It was not papier-mache, like the cover to the ark here... 

Yehudit will be in charge. What did you do in the Israeli army?...You see, she worked in National Service (Sheirut Leumi). Didn't eve do the army. And yet, she is more protective of this congregation...There should have been a fight.

Bomb scare? We must stop racism. He was a French Jew. He just wanted to get a little more choolant. We have to seperate the people from the choolant and start a choolant line. No more fighting at Kiddush.

French. Always starting fights. We are not against you. The shul Karaoke party was messed up. We played your songs. Why do you think that all Ashkenazim are racist just because they like singing Justin Bieber? It is only Mark. And that is because of his alcohol.

Yes, they all went down on the floor. There have been bomb scares before. We had a catholic in the shul once, and they did not look Jewish...They were Indian. Just because people do not look Jewish, does not mean it is a bomb.

Fights in shul have to stop.  I do not know how alcohol made it to the kids table. Then the dad got involved to protect his son...You didn't have to pull the hair, Gary. The children could have had it out themselves...They are third graders, you didn't have to bring all the relatives into the fight...And you still couldn't take Yehudit.

Did they have families ganging up on people in the Beis Hamikdash? There was no Kiddush choolant at the Beis HaMikdash. There was a table, but there was no alcohol on the kids table.

Now the shul has a lawsuit, because of the choolant...It is your fault too Bernice. You never move from the choolant. You stand in one spot...

(33:34-37) Everything has its place. The table, outside the partition. The Menorah opposite that. The hooks, the screen at the entrance.

Where is the place for fighting? At kiddush. That is the problem. Bernice takes everybody's place. Gary does not belong at the kid's table. French karaoke songs do not belong here. Not in shul...In shul it is Hebrew and English hymns. 

We need more hymns. You especially don't knock over Fran. There is no place for that in shul...That is why we must separate the crazy people from the good people. That is why we have a men's and a women's sectioin...

Yehudit's place was in there. Caring for the people. Using her baby in the fight, with punches coming out from the stomach.

Yehudit, your place is going to be on security. BSha'ah Tova

If everybody will now join me in a hymn for Yehudit:
The Lord, Hallow be thine all

May the child be tall

May the kid be kind like Yehudit,

May the baby not be weak, like Gary, Mark or Bernie

Oh, Oh, Oh, Amen

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.

David also tours as a Maggid around the world, with very few stories.

Shabbat Shalom