Ki Teitzei Excerpts

כי תצא

Shabbat Shalom

There are some laws people. And yes, you have to follow them. I can tell you, for one, I do not want to be witness of another stoning. So lets go through some of these simple rules:

(22:8) You build a house, you put a fence on your roof. Why? Because you don't want blood on your hands. I see Michael with the bloodshot eyes in Hebrew school...Yes, people who are hi and intoxicated, can fall off the roofs....And that is what your son is doing up there with the lounge chair and Pink Floyd music...That is what your children are doing on the roofs and when they are visiting their friends.

(22:9-10) You can't mix species of plants or animals.

I have seen some of your dogs. Ugly. Only pure breeds in this congregation. The wolf maltese rottweiler, was the wrongest mixture. We do not mean to put down your dog, Mrs. Cohen, but there is a reason for Gd's law...That mutt does not clean up after itself either...

(22:11) No mixing wool and linen. It is called Shatnez for a reason.

I am going to add on a few more rules here. No mixing hairspray and gel. Yes, the eighties have been over for a while Frank... No mixing cotton and polyester, unless you do not have an iron, or enough money for Brooks Brothers... Need we say? No mixing. I am talking about that hat in the back of the shule on your head, Mrs. Zissman. Somebody should throw that off the roof.

There are more rules:

(22:13-) If you don't like your wife, you cannot lie about her. 

To say she married a good man...

No just doing what you want sexually. They are called perversions...And there are reasons for the laws of modesty...You are 75 years old...

(23:4-7) Not everybody can be Jewish. Some people have to hate Jews too....

But you don't have to make peace with them and bring them into our community...We have enough people other than the Amonites and Moavites, whipping candies at the Bar Mitzvah boy....And parents who can care less if the kid falls off the roof...

Can you all follow just a couple of these rules?