Noach Excerpts
נח
Shabbat Shalom
A few words of inspiration.
I will string along a bunch of the Psukim so you understand how
messed up this community is.
(7:3) Noach gathered all the animals in 7 days. You can do
anything in 7 days, except make a quilt. That takes years in Topeka, Kansas.
You can do it in 7 days if there is cooperation.
(7:9) The animals 'came to Noach.' They followed orders, unlike
anybody in this congregation. We couldn’t get a Mazel Tov circle dance going
for Brian and Henya last week…They were getting married. It would have been
nice, Frank. Maybe their wedding would have had some decent dancing too, if we
could organize a circle dance in this place…Yes Bernie. The last time we had a
circle dance in this shule it took 7 days to get it going. We had to make phone
calls. Half the congregation came in with notes from their doctors. Feivel and
Fran had to go to their chiropractor. We even had to bring in a yoga instructor
for a stretching seminar…
I don’t know why it is so hard to make a quilt? But they brought
the same yoga instructor…They didn’t want to get arthritis. They were doing
crouching dog pose with their hands.
(7:6) Too old? Noach was 600 years old. Bernie is complaining
about his bad back. You are only 83 Bernie. I am doing funerals for people who
just hit 90. We have to take care of our health, or people are not going to be
making it much past 100 over here…Stretch.
(7:16) H' closed the ark on Noach's behalf. You work for 120 years
on a project, H' ends up helping a bit. I am sick of hearing how hard it has
been for Melvin to make his new table...and with no help. Who cares? You can
stop telling us about it…H’ also helped Malka close her shop last week, after
many years of nobody purchasing her handknit sox. She will be selling them out
of her home now. Mazel Tov…Sometimes H’ sees a pointless venture and helps in
His way. H’ also put Garrison to rest, after many years of hard work and not
showing up to synagogue.
Was Noach too old to close the door himself? We see nothing about
him complaining Bernie. He doesn’t stand there waiting for a chauffer…Did he
cover it with a quilt? Did he make it look disheveled?
(6:11-12) The world was destroyed because man had destroyed it.
Like the cloth used on that quilt.
In the beginning of the Parsha, we see that the world was already
destroyed before H’ destroys it. There was thievery and anarchy, just like the
building maintenance people that I have to pay monthly fees to who do not do
anything for the building…No bills have been seen, ever...It is the principle
Bernie.
(9:10-13) The covenant will be passed on and the world will not be
deluged, to destroy the world. The sign, the rainbow. The rainbow that you can’t
see from our home, because the maintenance people haven’t cleaned there either…
(9:15-16) ‘I will remember my covenant…and it will be seen to
remember the covenant of the world between H’ and all living…’ It is between us
and H.’ The living take part in this. We cannot destroy the world either. This
is why we are not going to allow the sisterhood to make Kiddush next week. We
are bringing in a caterer…A new caterer. They will be bringing the pigs in the
blankets. We are finally going to enjoy…
This congregation has destroyed so much. I spoke about the ark
cover quilt last week. This week, we just mentioned how the sisterhood thought
black and white cookies were a good idea…It has nothing to do with the upcoming
elections, and everybody wanted the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cake.
Are we fulfilling out part of the covenant? Do we make anything as
nice as a rainbow? Definitely the quilt is not…It wasn’t even made for anybody.
Nobody was sick. You made a comforter, and put it on the Ark. The Torah’s do
not feel the air-conditioning like we do…Do we make decent desserts?
And it was Noach, over 600 years old who made this ark which took
120 years, who allowed for mankind to continue. Maybe you needed to spend
another 100 years on the quilt…Yes Bernie. We were waiting for it for 3 years.
It was the longest made quilt in history.
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