VaYikra Excerpts

ויקרא

Shabbat Shalom

There is still no donation of a tic-tac-toe throwing booth. We also need a big bucket for the apple bob.

Purim Carnival this week… No. We are not doing the dunk the rabbi again this year.

(5:11) Now we are down to turtledoves. Not doves or turtles. Turtledoves… I don’t know what they are… They are part of the dove family… I don’t know the species and kingdom. I am guessing yes… They might be related. Distant relatives. If not enough money for doves then his guilt offering for his sin is ‘a tenth-epha of fine flour.’ It is nothing. You see. Even the poor people can do an offering… Whole wheat is poor person’s bread… Then they are charging too much.

No. I don’t want to hear that you can’t do the half shekel donation for Purim… Do you want to be counted as part of the Jewish people? The Jewish family.

(5:14-16) If somebody sins against the holies, they have to add a fifth of what they denied the Holy… You can’t just let a sin go. Like when Tima didn’t pay… Well, now she thinks it is a good idea to not pay and the shul has a tab. No limit, just a tab that’s been running for twenty-five years.

(5:17-19) If there is a doubt, and the person didn’t know… Yes. You still bring an offering. He didn’t know. He is still guilty.

Stop trying to justify what you do. That is the problem with you. You give no money. You just take and say you didn’t sin… Maybe you did?... No. Never. The most passive aggressive.

You always leave your siddur out. We have to put it away for you. You leave the seat up… Your wife told us… You are selfish. It is a sin. It doesn’t make a difference if you know it is a sin or not… Then learn something. Learn what people need from you. You don’t know, because you don’t care. You are guilty.

The problem is you are selfish and you want to do all the bobbing yourself.

(5:21-22) Now we are talking about lying to people regarding money. ‘a pledge, a loan, robbery, or by defrauding… found a lost object and denied it, and falsely swearing…’

(5:23-25) ‘When he becomes guilty’… Yes, he was guilty the whole time. But he confessed it. Look at Rashi… You can’t do Teshuva, repentance, until you admit it.

You pay back ‘the principal and add a fifth.’

You don’t pay people back if you are denying it.

If you deny that you have money and don’t give a tenth of an epha???!!!... What do you expect? You are a sinner who is not part of the Jewish family. So you stole… Then why admit it??? Because you are a person. You are not Tima.

Then admit your wrong and join us for the Purim party… First return the Hamentashen you stole last year… I know it is poppyseed. It is still stealing…. And add on a fifth. And make it with fine flour. Nobody wants whole wheat Hamentashen…

(5:26) He brings an offering and the Cohen does atonement for him… He still sinned. You bother us. You steal from the shul and give nothing. You don’t invite anybody for dinner. You are also sinning against H.’ You pay back and you have to apologize to Gd too. You need full atonement. Yes. It is a process… Then don’t steal and pay your debts next time.

It’s all the same. You are a sinner. And you better not make all the annoying noises on Purim. We are only doing one Haman noise thing this year… No cheering. Banging on the tables and the groggers sounds like you are cheering for him… Only a British witch sounding ‘booooh’ noise.

You are also loud in your apartment… I have no idea how you can add on a fifth of sleep to your neighbors and pay that back…

All you do is offend. The Cohen brings atonement and you are out there dressed like Bob Marley. It’s offensive. Your costume is a passive aggressive way of offending other cultures… So you didn’t know it is offensive. You still have to do atonement… No. You don’t bring a black dove.

No protein. Just flour. Pathetic. You call that an offering? It’s a joke.