Bereishit Excerpts

בראשית

Shabbat Shalom

In the beginning H' did not make like the new quilt ark cover...this is the ugliest work of art I have ever seen. He allowed man the ability....

After killing Hevel, (4:16-17) Cain goes to the land of Nod, fleeing from before H,' and builds a city. That is what people do when they flee from before H.' They build. My nephew built a Magnetile house, and he was trying to hide from his parents...He didn't want to do his homework...

We have all seen what our mayor has done? Whose brother did the mayor kill? We all know that is how he got the job. There is a reason why the garbage dump is as big as it is...Yes Bernie, I am still mad about the new park they build right across from my house. Now there are drug deals and...It is the jungle gym. That is the problem. That is not how you build a jungle gym. New technology dictates there should be an obstacle course....Yes Bernie, it is more fun. Nobody who cares about life, builds such a poor looking playground. Just look at the quilt behind me. That is how bad the playground is.

I for one am not voting for our mayor...I can care less if he is in the election!!! It is the principle...Can we chase the mayor away? No. We also can't get rid of the quilt, because it is called a 'community quilt,' so the whole community has to see it, all the time, because that is what happens when people create stuff in the beginning of the year, here, at Congregation Beis Emes Sefillah.

But H' follows and grants the ability to people to do different things. He definitely did not grant Mayor Fergblum the ability to run a city...

(4:21) Yaval was the father of those who sit in tents and breed cattle. And where is the cattle in our city? I ask.

(4:22) Yuval was the father of all who take the harp and the flute. We have some children who have taken up the violin. We do not know who their inspiration is. I can tell you their father was Mr. Schwarzmen...Very not talented.

(4:23) Tuval-Cain was the one who sharpened all the cutting tools of copper and iron. Did anybody use iron in the Sukkah? No. Cloth. You can't build a city out of cloth...

You have a city here with some entertainment. Nothing like Topeka. The jazz club is playing rock. Everything is messed up...It is because we didn't take Saval Kortez to be our mayor. As we see. H' blesses people whose name ends in 'val.' Mark is extremely not talented...Because his name does not end with a 'val.' Nobody in the Schwarzmen family's name ends with a 'val.'

H' grants us all these amazing abilities, and we still can't do anything right here. H' grants us the ability to sew...And who was sewing? Karen. No 'val' anywhere to be found...

Am I my brother's keeper? No. But I am the one who has to look at the community quilt. A shanda to our Gd given ability to build cities...Might as well make a Sukkah out of it next year.

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.

David also tours as a Maggid around the world, with very few stories.

Shabbat Shalom