Parshat Matot-Masai
מטות-מסעי
Shabbat Shalom My Children
This week is a double Torah portion. And as thus I feel it is my duty to speak extra long today. That was the plan. However, being that it was a double portion and the BaAl Koreyh read the Torah double slow. I will have to speed it up. Who got this fill in Torah reader today? Next time, please read faster. Some of our members have to make it to their golf games too. (this is a great moment to go off on the people who slow down and take away from your Sermon time and to have a quick reprimand of the young Torah reader in front of the congregation) You are killing me. I have a sermon prepared and now I cannot give it the way I wanted. Well next time speed it up a little. It is Hebrew and they don’t understand it anyways… That guy that corrects you is crazy. He is just angry at his wife. He is the only one who pays attention.
And he pays attention very fittingly. If there is a lesson from this week’s Torah portion
In the beginning of this week's Torah portion, it clearly states that a man who makes a vow or oath to make something forbidden to himself, 'Whatever came out of his mouth- he shall do.'
Many of you just talk. But how many of you are men or women of your word? You say a lot and just talk a lot (never can this lesson be said enough). Most of you don’t think about the consequences before you talk. How many of you made a New Year’s resolution last year? How many of you stuck to it? And yes Mrs. Hortman, didn’t you say you were going to stop eating chocolate? Now think. I saw you eating some chocolate glazing. Oh, a girls scout cookie you call it. Does that make it OK? You said you were going to stop eating chocolate. What were you thinking when you made that resolution? You wanted to take off weight. That is ok. Why not resolute to be in shape. We shall not desecrate our words and we must stop eating chocolate.
It is hard to stick to our words. Part of repentance according to the Rambam is saying, ‘I will never do it again.’ After you confess your sin to Gd, you are supposed to say, ‘I will never do it again.' Who resolutes to not do something enjoyable again? I understand you don't understand Hebrew, and you enjoy that hitting the chest to the 'Ashamnu Bagadnu' tune; it is catchy. But are you a man of your word? I have not done this part of repentance, because I am not good at lying. If eating chocolate was tasty, I know I am going to do it again. Speaking of which, where was the chocolate crumb cake at kiddush last week? Are the sisterhood women of their word?
Did the dairy Kiddush take place? No. Because nobody picked up the cheesecake. You promised and I was looking forward to my Mother’s Black Forest Cheesecake, with chocolate chips on top and crumby stuff on the bottom. But no. You brought in a homemade cream cheese battered tiny cake with no chocolate chips; not even strawberries. Your commitment to your word was not there. Is it a cheesecake with no topping? Where were you for us, when we needed the chocolate chips, Mrs. Hortman? Were you eating them?
Think before you make promises Mrs. Hortman.
As, we learn from the Torah and all action movies, your word is your bond. 'My dad said we are going on vacation to Disney World this year...I hate him.' Well yes your daughter hates you, because you made a promise you cannot keep. We are not blaming Mr. Kinsley for this. You didn't foresee the economic crisis. Your wife also didn't see the problems with the breakdown of the family structure in your home. That is a beautiful new dress Mrs. Kinsley. The point is that they don't sell Mickey Mouse's fur in Disney World. And Christina, you should hate your dad for not being a man of his word.
Who can afford Disney World anyways? $50 to see Mickey Mouse. Watch it on TV Christina.
Commenting on a spouse’s ability to erase his wife's oath, The Sforno (a rabbi for you Am Aratzim that don't know this) comments that, 'To remain silent when somebody has the ability to protest, is akin to agreement. To remain silent is to agree with what they are doing.' The concept of silence is agreement. As many of you know, you CNN and BBC watchers. I for one will not remain silent and passively agree. You promised Christina Disney World, you give it to her. As your rabbi, I resolute, that there will not be another dairy kiddush in this synagogue without Mother's Black Forest Cheesecake. And I resolute again, you have people that have to get to golf and not one of them understands Hebrew, you read the Torah faster.
Now I must stop, because we are out of time.
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement every Thursday & Saturday, in downtown Jerusalem and may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world.david@israelcomedy.com
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