Nasso Excerpts

נשא

Shabbat Shalom

 

(5:6-7) You owe somebody money, then you claim you do not. You didn't just steal, but you have now taken a false oath.

No idea how we got to the false oath, but you did it. Because you are not honest. We have even seen it in shule. How many of you have flipped over a $200 Yom Kippur appeal to not even turn in twenty?...You are not honest people when it comes to money. Money drives you. To do what? To lie...The lack of pride in this congregation is embarrassing. Bernie doesn't even care if he gets an Aliyah anymore. What kind of a congregation has members that don't take it as a smack to their face, if they are not called to the Torah for a month? Mr. Barshaw didn't even get called up when he came back from overseas. Yes. He is a annoying and nobody wants to be part of blessing him back into the congregation...

You have to pay back five times the amount. That is what you forget. There are punishments for lying. Punishments for thievery. Punishments for flipping over little tags that say $200...

Punishments for not coming through on a decent allowance to your child...That is not anorexia. You never gave your child lunch money...

Somebody in this shule has my Parsha sheets. Theft? Yes. It would seem that they were left in a pile right by my seat. Mine. My Torah Portion Sheet Property...Oh! They are there for everybody. Till they are taken. That is when they are mine. Parsha sheet thievery is rampant around here...For years, the Maskovitz family has not seen a Torah Tidbit. Yes. They take them, but somebody is tidbiting around the shule, claiming them. Snatching them during the Cohen blessing...Good time to run around, when most members have their eyes closed or covered by a Tallit.

Is this an oath of selfishness.

(5:2-3) Tameh (impure) people are sent away from the camp. The camp shall be pure...

The one who steals is not Tameh. It is a different kind of sin. They are among us. They are all of you. We are way past Tumah (impurity). We have become a camp of me. My money. My $200 tag. My Parsha Sheets.

You people barely have any money anyways. The most exciting thing in your lives is the reclining seats at the movie theaters...You can't even afford a home theater.

How do we get rid of this greater impurity of selfish sin? We punish...Restitution...No more Parsha sheets...

We are going green. We are now going to be starting the shule's first Parsha online...No. It will not help anybody on Shabbat. Not the point....

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, and is booking his America tour as a Comic-in-Residence for June and October.

Shabbat Shalom