Shoftim Excerpts

שפטים

Shabbat Shalom

We are influenced by what we see. 17:13- The nation shall hear it and see it and they will not sin. When the people see a person stoned, they think twice about sinning...We are going to start weekly stonings in this synagogue...People talk too much during services...

Many of you went to the wine festival this week. What did you see? You don't even remember...should be stoned... 

A king can get haughty. How do we stop this? How does a person in power keep themselves from letting that power run their lives?... You can tell him that he is really bad at what he does. Kind of like what everybody says about Mr. Grunstein at the butcher shop. Even Empire has better meat....You are still selling meat you shipped in from Israel. Holy Meats. Great name for a store that you want to go out of business.

17:16-17- The king is told to not amass too many horses and wives. Not to take too much money. The king is not supposed to act like, we'll say, Mr. Fishberg. Enjoy your new Yacht...Everybody knows about that, as you gave a speech to the city at the wine festival as to how amazing your life is...I know there has been talk in the town of stoning Mr. Fishberg...

The King is supposed to carry the Torah with him at all times...Keeping the Torah with him, allows the king to focus...

17:18-20- Shall keep the Torah with him and read it to learn to fear Gd and keep the Torah and Mitzvot.

The king is told to read from it every day so that he doesn't become like Mr. Fishberg...When you fear Gd and keep His commandments, it is humbling. There is no commandment to announce your new boat to the city and there is no commandment to serve disgusting meat.

I know none of you learn Torah ever...The rabbi gives a shiur once a week. It is brilliant. Not to sound amazing, which the Divrei Torah are...Maybe if Mr. Grunstein carried a Torah he would have more rachmanis/compassion on us and pick up some decent meat...

We should stone him to teach him a lesson...I am sure people will think twice before bringing bad meat into this town again.

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.

David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, if you invite him.

Shabbat Shalom uMvorach