Bereishit Excerpts

בראשית

Shabbat Shalom

Cain kills his brother and then tries to hide it from H.' I have tried to hide many things from H,' but He finds them...I am sure He also found the water bottle I left on the shule hike last week.

(4:9) To the question of were is Hevel, Cain responds 'Am I my brother's keeper?'

Bad excuses run rampant in this congregation. The topic deflection answer has been used by everybody in this congregation. The youth director, just last week at the Jumperie thing had no idea where Sara was. 'I am Sara's youth director?' Yes you are. That was the answer to that. What a fool. This is why Menachem is not the rabbi here...Thank H,' we found her in the balls bin thing....

Why is the kugel not warm at kiddush? 'Am I supposed to know why I out it on the plata (hot plate) too late???' Maybe if you showed up to davening on time.

That is the downfall of society. When people don't take responsibility for their under-cooked kugels. How am I supposed to know...Because it is your fault. Yes Bernie. It is your fault this shule is in debt.

'How was I supposed to know that Bernie Madoff...' Have you ever invested with anybody you can trust?

(4:7) H' told Cain that he can improve himself. After Cain was angry about his offering not being accepted like his brothers. He got the you can improve yourself speech and instead he went for the route of killing his brother. That wasn't one of the choices. He understood that if you are a failure, like Michael, you can take it out on other people, and feel better about yourself...Which is why Michael is still in the eighth grade...

He gets thrown around the earth as a punishment and now Cain all the sudden comes out with his complaint- 'This is too much more for me. People will kill me.' All the sudden, the hero. All the sudden, Menachem wants to take the kids on another field trip, to prove he won't lose them...

Cain is selfish. And for this we are wanderers. Because everybody in this shule is selfish. We all know that Mrs. Korn loves her kugel under-cooked. So she joins the sisterhood... Looking to get ahead. Willing to slay their successful brother. Einav was even willing to take her sister's Barbie and she did. She took the hair of the Barbie and gave her Cabbage Patch legs...Destroying other people is how you all get ahead...

But you are too scared to go to jail. Not enough kosher food there, says Dr. Horvitz...They do have an excellent potato kugel though.

We are the keepers of our children...You are the keeper of the money, Bernie....

We all have choices. The real question is- Do we take responsibility and better ourselves, or do we blame it on an inept youth director?

The first Parsha and you already mess up.

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.
David also tours as a Maggid around the world, with very few stories.

Shabbat Shalom