'Toldot' Excerpts

תולדות

Shabbat Shalom

You need slaves. Who else is going to dig a well? I can tell you that none of the staff of this congregation would ever do anything physical...The custodian complained about stacking chairs...That is the problem with paying people.

Avimelech opens up. Tells Yitzchak to head out of Gerar, because the people can't stand him. Why? Because he is Jewish...Yes, Bernie. They probably weren't called Jews, and we are cancelling the new Jewish History class with Professor Noshow. Maybe if he came to shule, he would know some Torah...

Now he comes to see Yitzchak. Successful Yitzchak. It always happens like that. You become successful and people visit you. My family hasn't been down here once...Dealing with Fran's new perm is a detriment to success...Perms went out in the '80s. Even my mother knows that. You have held me back from success...It is not a Zionistic thing to do. There are other ways of showing support for Israel, then curly greased up hair and a poof with bangs...

Yitzchak accuses Avimelech of coming to see him. (26:27) 'Why have you come to me? You hate me.You sent me from you.' Voicing his real opinion. Calling Avimelech out on being the Gabbai he is...

All afraid to voice your real opinion.

Yitzchak says it right to Avimelech. The truth. That is strength.

You can't even be honest with people when they smell bad. It is understandable to be coming to shule unshowered. We are religious people here...I am not praising you Frank for the amount of cologne you bring to your section. It is a potpourri of pain when I pass... 

You laugh about it.You laugh about the one that smells.

Karen talks toomuch. 'Do I talk too much.' No....she talks all the time...so annoying. I hear you. Right now. I hear you. Still. But you all keep your mouths shut and don't tell her to shut the hell up...You might offend her. You might offend her for being wrong...Nobody wants to get involved. Only when the rabbi is talking. That is why pay the rabbi. So you can have one person to get mad at....

Can somebody tell Mark that he smells? Am I the only one? You all complain about it. 'No. You smell great.' His armpit was in your face. right up in there...Our Avimelech in this shule gives him Hagbah. Lets have him lift the Torah for everybody to smell.

Maybe Frank's mist of Europe camaflouged it a bit...

Avimelech explains to Yitzchak that they view it as doing him good, (26:28-29) 'We didn't touch you.' He sees Yitzchak is bless, so he wants to ensure peace.

All out for yourselves. Lets leave out how the Plishtim made it as hard as they could for Yitzchak...Rabbi, we need you for the Bar Mitzvah. Lets make peace. Maybe make your son go over his layning, his Torah portion reading...

What is the lesson? Avimelech learned absolutely nothing. But he got what he needed out of Yitzchak...All you peacemongers.

Maybe we would have peace, if somebody told Karen to stop talking.

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.
David also tours as a Maggid around the world, with very few stories.

Shabbat Shalom