Bamidbar Excerpts

במדבר

Shabbat Shalom

(3:15) The Levites were counted from one month. The census of the rest of Israel, was taken from 20...

Because they were all precious. Because when a Levite was born, there was hope. The children in this congregation bring no hope to the future. We have a success rate of one non-mess up every 12 years. 

Once they reach 20, then we care. We have already dealt with most of their annoying...Brian still lives at home. Karen still hasn't found a spouse. We should be running a census over here from the age of 35.

The Levites were able to participate in the songs of the Temple from a younger age than Bar Mitzvah (Arechin 13b). In this shule, they can't even stand still for the cantor's repetition. And that is Brian we are talking about.

Point is that the children were trusted.

I was away from the shule a couple of weeks ago and the children tried breaking into the candy cabinet. I do not want to say anything bad about our youth leader, as I would not call her a leader...She is more of an enabler Bernie. We have twelve kids that are addicted to Bonbons  in this congregation...those are considered the healthy ones. The other ones are on snorting sugar out of a little plastic bottle that looks like a fruit....

Point be, it is GNAIVA/stealing. Even for an addiction, you cannot steal. This has nothing to do with Nerberger children. We hope they get out of jail soon. It was only 16 ounces. The cops took them and that was anti-semitism. Soda comes in 16oz....The children put their hands through, snuck them in between the lock and the door. They tried pulling out the lock. They were trying to break it, but they couldn't. Nonetheless, their tiny hands made through. Thank Gd, all they got was a purple Laffy Taffy...The red Laffy Taffys are still there. Do not worry.

We cannot count people in this congregation, have them as members if they are stealing. Which is why that whole section to the right has to go...Then pay for the tabs you flipped over at the Passover appeal. We will have no more of this thievery in this shule from people that are part of this heretical census.

We took a census of the town last year and there were only 8 Jews in Topeka? How did the members of this congregation identify themselves on the questionnaire?...Democrat. And you wonder why we cannot count your type? There are more democrats than Jews in this shule. You checked other and then filled in democrat. That is your ancestry...Shame.

Rashi- From one month, they are already counted in the service. Even if they are not performing the service till 20, they are included in it. (Bamidbar Rabbah 3:7) Explains that since their service was so important, it is as if they were doing it their whole lives. As when somebody does Teshuva (repentance) their sins get knocked away...This is not relevant, as you all don't even identify as Jews now.

Notwithstanding, they are already part of the Levite holiness at that young age. Connected.

Until 20 with the kids in this congregation, we are not prepping anything. All you parents have given up on trying. We are buying time. We all know what happened with Karen Middelberg, when her parents tried. It was horrific. She ended up looking like such a looser. Was a shot in the heart to this congregation. She became a professor of Talmudic studies and she only makes $90,000 a year. It is an embarrassment. A bad example.

You blame it on the friends. Is it the friends that force your children to steal? It is the friends that are pushing for identity as a democrat in the fourth grade...The Hebrew Day School voted against Judaism. First of all, the school needs a new name. Second of all, there is a reason we do not listen to children...

With what has been going on with the youth, we cannot include them in the services. Would the Levites have taken the candy?...Being part of it, does not mean taking your candies without asking, OK. They broke the aron/ark above and now the whole thing is shaky. It has turned into a safety issue. Safety comes before a juju bean. And yes, that is offensive...

Rambam (Shemitah & Yovel 13:12-13- as brought in the Artscroll)- The Levites' task is to teach his Torah. It is a way of life. Not just the service. So too, you become sanctified, when you learn Torah. We can all connect with the Torah and become holy at that young age as well. If we just learned the laws. Like, 'Though shall not steal, even if there are two hours till Kiddush.'...

Who in this congregation learns? We have had lessons every day for the past 15 years...You wouldn't know, because you haven't been there. You are not part of the census. Old people who are counted as Democrats.

Yes. You have to want it. But this does not mean breaking into the ark because there is candy in there.

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.

David also tours as a Maggid around the world, with very few stories.

Shabbat Shalom