Shelach Excerpts

שלח

Shabbat Shalom

We are talking about libations and offerings here...Yes, you should first libate yourself and smell decent. It is hot outside and it is hard for the rest of the congregation. Your stench...Odors of people should not be part of the offerings...

(15:14) A proselyte should also bring a 'satisfying aroma' offering to Gd. 'As you do, so shall they.'

This is the problem. The converts in this congregation do exactly as you do. They show up late to shule. They go golfingre on Shabbis. They don't keep the Shabbat. They do not libate. When was the last time you libated Mark? Took a shower?...You should be coming to synagogue clean. That is the point.

All of the anti-Semites from Temple Beis Yehudi are saying that Jews smell bad...Because the proselytes are doing the same as you all....Yes, I shouldn't be treating you differently Karen, but you are different. You are good Jews. Do not let this congregation bring you down. They brought me down when I had to sit through this Torah reading which puts everybody to sleep. Our new reader hasn't made one mistake in the past three months. People have no reason to listen anymore. As I always said, 'The day we cannot reprimand the person reading the Torah for us, is the day that nobody will want to listen anymore.' You can see Dr. Fishbern is even more angry now...Because he has nobody to vent at. He has been yelling at his wife instead. We couldn't hear the reader last week, as he wouldn't stop screaming at his wife about the silverware setup.

Yes. We need a reader who is going to make mistakes, for 'Peace in the Home.'

(15:15) 'One law for you and the convert...one teaching, one judgement...' If there is one teaching. as that is all I am allowed at this juncture. All in this congregation, born Jewish or not, work on your hygiene. It is disgusting in here. I am catching a whiff at the podium...

I do not mean to be yelling at the whole congregation today. Usually it is just Bernie. However, the Torah reader did not do his job. Not one person in the shule was able to scream at him during the reading. 

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.

David also tours as a Maggid around the world, with very few stories.

Shabbat Shalom