Balak Excerpts

בלק

Shabbat Shalom

 

(23:13) After the first place of Ba’al was not successful, Balak takes Bilam a second place to look at Israel, so that Bilam can curse them. I think we all understand this, as Bernie changed seats last year, so that he can be within closer ear shot to the rabbi...

Never trusting H’s word. ‘It is the place,’ you say. No. It is you Max. You sometimes have to accept what Gd blessed you with, and call it a day...Not many people in this congregation have much to offer. You should appreciate this place and make your mark on the world here. Mrs. Goldstone did it when she rubbed her cake into the carpet last year, when not looking. A full seven layers, right into the carpet.

Every time there is a problem. ‘We need a new building.’ The building fund is still at the 12 degree mark. It is almost as sick as seeing Bernie at the synagogue's park outing last week...should have never come off. Frank's friend was a young man. 

We should be happy with the building we have. Take what H' gave us and accept it. We don't have to constantly move and try new things. How about trying a raise for the rabbi?...

 

Balak takes him to a second place to ‘curse for me from there.’ He needs the curse. That is when you lose. You wonder why Boston is a place where nobody wants to live? All they think about is the cursing. They believe in the importance of curses...The profanities coming out of the back of this shule....So what if the guy makes a mistake when reading the Torah. No reason for profanities...Bernie, you can't even read the Torah...It is not written in transliteration.... 

(23:22-23) ‘For there is no divination and magic in Israel.’ That is why H’ took the Jews out of Egypt. That is why we are not cursed. We believe in H,' not in curses and incantations...We had the worst talent show in this shule last month. I didn't want to bring it up, but the Fruchtenstein's child should not be performing. So that this synagogue is not cursed, we will are going to ban magic...Paper bag trick? The cards fell through. He pulled a dead skunk out of the hat. The birds were pooping all over the shule. He cut a piece of steak against the grade, and he still couldn't put it back together. And we still can't find Lucy. The magic was a disaster...The Jewish people do not have magic or divination. That is why.

 

It is when you think you can change H’ that there are problems. (23:19) H’ is not man, that you change His mind.

We have to change ourselves. Work on our talents. Stay away from magic. Keep your seats, so that I do not have to hear Benie's chaching throughout my sermon. It is worse than cursing. Maybe you weren't blessed with a body for the community to see... 

Look into ourselves. Not to try to curse the other congregations.

(23:24) Bilam, saying the words of Gd, represents Israel to not sleep until it kills its enemies and drinks their blood.

The start of the blood libels. And you see what happens when praise happens to the Jews...We are going to ask the new hippy folks who joined our congregation to stop blessing everybody. If we hear another one of your blessings about 'finding yourself' and how we should all 'find ourselves,' there will be a lot more cursing and libels.

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.

David also tours as a Maggid around the world, with very few stories.

Shabbat Shalom