Shemot Excerpts

שמות

Shabbat Shalom

Moshe asks, 'Will they believe me?' 'How will I know that they will trust me?' And he goes on with questions, just like Sadie. Doesn't listen to the answers. Asks the same questions, all the time...Listen to the answers. They are the same questions. You are just phrasing them differently.

The Bar Mitzvah boy asks questions irrelevant to the point...Avraham Avinu is dead. Breishit ended last week, Chaim.

For Moshe, it was because he was a modest man. Not looking for the leadership role. It wasn't because he wasn't talented, like Mark...the Bar Mitzvah never looked for recognition. We all heard it in his layning the Torah. He made more mistakes than any kid we have ever had in this congregation...He did not want credit...A modest young man.

His parents told me he never helps clear the table. Because he doesn't need honors.

In Hebrew School, he never answered a question correctly. Because he doesn't need honors.

H' says (3:17) 'I have seen the suffering...' and it is because of this that he is going to free the Jewish people now. We are suffering in this shule. How many people did we have to suffer through getting called to the Torah for the Bar Mitzvah boy? They even called up his third cousins uncle...And now we have these uncomfortable chairs.

The seat fight fiasco of November is still in all our minds...It is not his seat, Bernie. It is the shule's seat. You haven't paid your dues in five years Mark...It is their family's Bar Mitzvah and you pushed the kid out of the seat.

The seats have caused too many fights lately. The armrest fiasco from three weeks ago is still in our memories...The armrest has still not been replaced. We will not be able to put back the original armrest, as the blood did not come off. We are going to be holding a Tehilim ceremony for Fran. We wish her a speedy recovery, as we are raising money for a large chair for her, when she comes back...

The armrests are meant for one person. The seats are too tiny for people. I see it. Even the rabbi's chair should be bigger...Bernie, stop complaining. I am the rabbi. Accept it. Give me a bigger chair, with some cushion.

All the seats have the siddur shtender, right behind them; with the siddur holder built just small enogh so that the siddur is poking us in the back. I do not even have a person behind me. I still feel like I am getting poked. 

The seats are tinny- Ben is 360lbs. SlimFast has not worked. It is a snack not a meal

The Jews (3:22) will not go empty handed from Egypt...'The women will ask the neighbors for gold, silver...'

People in this community have to get their own sugar. I am sick of people knocking on my door and asking for sugar. Buy sugar...Got to stop asking for things... 

This congregation is empty handed. Not one person in this congregation knows how to lead. We have no space in this shule, for people to sit. 

We need less Aliyahs for Bar Mitzvahs. That would be a gift. Sadie not asking questions would be a gift.

(3:18) The whole community has to go to serve H,' including women and children. But Paroh will not allow for it. Paroh is going to be hard to deal with, such as our children, who are also part of this community.

Impossible to deal with the people here. If Ben lost some weight and Mark were to pay his dues, this Bar Mitzvah Shabbat would be a beautiful experience for Ben.

Kids are all over the floor for the candies. Sliding all over the floor. We discussed the ending of throwing candies at the Bar Mitzvah boy, as Thelma started whipping candies at Fran, once she whacked her with the armrest...The first time the floor has been cleaned in years. We need the children jumping after the candies...Waxing is forbidden on Shabbat.

For our community to work we are going to take out all armrests and shtenders. We are going to pew the chairs.

(4:1-10) Moshe says that they will not listen him '...I have a heavy tongue.' I have been talking for years, and you still don't listen. I make amazing points, and you still don't listen, because no matter how bad you have it, you can't deal with change. You are scared.

(4:11) H' reminds Moshe that He allows people to talk and see. He allows people to be smart. And to the opposite end of the spectrum, He grants people the ability to be congregants. 

Then Moshe comes up with more excuses. Just like the Bar Mitzvah who didn't want to give a speech...H' allows you to talk. H' gives you the ability.

Constant worrying. H' already told Moshe he will be with him. He even showed him that the staff will be a sign. It gets annoying. The whole congregation is a bunch of nervous worriers. 

(4:14) After another objection of Moses, H' gets mad and tells him that his brother, Ahron, will speak. At a certain point the worry is too much...Chaim, you will not walk out of here today with Gold and Silver. I have seen the gifts the people in this congregation give. 

There is a certain point where you have to stop arguing. Moshe went too far. A good 15 times with the same question. At that point, it is not modesty anymore. It was questioning Gd's abilities. It was like sitting in a shule with a bunch of overweight people who can't fit into chairs made for children, sitting a half a foot to the ground, like they are all in mourning, because they know Sadie will be asking them questions, and Mark is going to start juggling again with his lack of talent, between the 23 Aliyahs for the Bar Mitzvah boys genealogy....

You could have layned part of it correctly, Chaim.

H' tells Moshe (4:16-17) 'I will be with your mouth and with his mouth...he will will be your mouth and you will be his leader. And take this staff...that you will do the signs with it.'

Back to the beginning of this whole discussion where H' tells him to use the staff. It is the signs, not the words. If we could just remember the beginning, we would be able to solve all the problems. The answer is there. The board should have never accepted Bernie's membership...

Just like with Sadie, who with H's help, is always talking, may our Bar Mitzvah find the strength to present himself to Paroh.

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.

David also tours as a Maggid around the world, with very few stories.

Shabbat Shalom