VaYechi Excerpts

ויחי

Shabbat Shalom

Always the hardest Parsha for me, where we traditionally give you all blessings. Not easy...You are more like Reuven, who can't live up to his potential.

The rabbi who created this tradition is gone. I don't know why I still have to bless you. His blessings came true. He is not here anymore. He is living in Houston...You should all show up to shule on time. That is your blessing. You should show up to shule to help with the minyan, so we get a minayn....

What is with the 'Amen' thing? When did we become a Southern Baptist congregation?...Francine. You have been doing it for the past month...We are happy you chose Judaism again.

This is a small community. You have a rabbi who does everything Mohel, shochet, and now he has to give blessings too. The only thing the rabbi does not do is receiving for himself a raise. 

Mrs. Moskowitz should be blessed to not be angry all the time...She looks familiar She doesn't look happy. I know that person...

Yakov gives blessings to his sons based on what they did, and what he saw. The members of this congregation have done nothing....I have not seen any kids in shule. What kinds of blessings can I give?
I will try to give you blessings based on the brothers. Yakov's sons. They had personalities....

Gad is now blessed....(49:20) Asher makes good bread. 'bread will be fatty....kingly delicacies.' That is good stuff. Can we talk about the local bakery? Mintz's Shop should be blessed to make unstail Challah.

(49:21) Naftali 'gives beautiful sayings.' The way people here talk, but...it is the same stories Bernie. Forget about beautiful sayings. You should all be blessed that Bernie doesn't Chach on you, when he talks to you...And the back left, always with the cussing. 

How can I bless you with a ---- and a ---- there. Here a ---- there a ---- everywhere a ---- ----... It is like a farm that I am blessing her.

Maybe this congregation needs a little more beauty. Maybe this congregation needs a little more pizzazz. We need cleaner people. If the talk is filthy, maybe you can all smell a bit better...We need some 'Amens.'

(49:22-23) Joseph is charming to the eyes. Girls gazing at him.

The women on the other side of the Mechitza do not even want to look on the men's side.

If I understood the rest of the blessings, I would go on. I have no idea what that stuff means. All I know is it is hard to bless you. 

Can I get an Amen?!

And as we end Breishit, may we be blessed with a new beginning with some decent congregants...that deserve blessing. Amen!