HaAzinu Excerpts

האזינו

Shabbat Shalom

(32:1) 'Give ear heavens...earth hear the words of my mouth.' You people don't listen to a thing.

Now comes the part of Moshe's song, where we mess up. You remember the song I wrote last year about the congregation who never shows up to shule on time. About the congregation that can't get a kiddush right, which is why the sisterhood's president is always in a fight. And about the shule that is never packed, because the members would rather eat a Big Mac...then coming to shule on Shabbat and being Jewish. How nobody ever gets called up for an honor/kavod, because the gabbai is the worst in the world. The chazan who can't sing, and when Michael got put in jail after the police took over the shule for a sting. About the congregation with the most bees in the Sukkah, the congregation with no fly paper. The Weinsteins who say they will pay their dues later?...No. You do not remember, because you weren't here to hear it.

Maybe you want to listen to this?

(32:21) We provoked H' with other non-gods, He will provoke us 'with a non-people.'

You remember when the Marx family moved into the neighborhood. We never thought they were people. Then they started building a house. They also had opposable thumbs...

'...a non-people- an abominable nation, I will anger them.' That would be like this congregation killing everything for the Jewish people.

Rashi, explains a nation without a name...without a Gd. That is a people who is is not a people. Baseless. When you have no Gd, you have no name.

This Shabbat, I am proud to be performing the Bris of the Weinstein's youngest. Whatever his name is...Then give him a name. Why are you waiting to surprise everybody?..We hope he grows up to have a Gd. A name that he keeps, unlike Michael, who's real name is Shmuli. We hope he grows up to listen to the songs we sing. The songs, without the harmony of Mrs. Kornbliss. The song of Moses, which teaches you how you are not right. The song of your rabbi, which will be song this coming week, at the shule's Simchat Beit HaShoeva...

We will not be drawing water this year, as because of the wetness, mistaken for rain last year, we took the party inside on a clear night. The gabbai said it was the law to not eat in the Sukkah, if it is raining...I was sitting next to Bernie. When he talks, stuff comes out as well...We will be drawing lottery numbers. Since Bingo has moved, and we can't have it in the shule. We are going to use the sukkah as a Bingo tent...there will also be Poker and Black Jack tables.

When we come together, that is what makes a nation.

Sukkot is coming up, the holiday where H' protected us. And He wants us to stay for Shmini Atzeret. Let us hope you do not abominate it.

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, and is booking his America tour as a Comic-in-Residence for October.

Shabbat Shalom