Ki Tavo Excerpts

כי תבוא

Shabbat Shalom

(27:2-3) When we come into Israel, we are commanded to make a monument of the Torah. To inscribe the Torah on stones.

Naftali just got a tattoo. What did he inscribe? The devil...It is something to do with satin. It does not look like a design for the family den in the Cohen's new home...

The way you enter somewhere. The way you start something means a lot. Right on the other side of the Jordan, this is the first thing we have to do. The way we enter Israel, first thing, is to inscribe the Torah. Bernie. You entered shule this morning by flinging the doors open and announcing you, 'Bernie is here.' 

I am looking out at a congregation who has yet to have purchased a Torah for the shule. The Torahs in the ark were there since the foundation stones were put in. The shule in Little Rock donated them. You have spent nothing on this shule. No time, no money. Mr. Peters still hasn't paid dues. Mr. Peters can't even read Hebrew...The dues slip is written in English. 

Given, there is no commandment to live in Kansas. But why not make it a place where Torah is inscribed?...Vitrina, your tattoo of the morning blessings beautiful. But you really can't go into the bathroom. You have to double cover your arms. The tattoo kind of puts you as a sinner in the world to come. The devil might have been a better idea.

It is the respect given to a place. You have put nothing into the shule. Hence, you give it no respect. Vitrina is in short sleeves. Mrs. Lowenthal is trying to daven (pray) off Vitrina's arms. Mrs. Shwarzinger, you come to shule dressed like a hobo with no job...Losing your home is not the point. It is the respect given to shule. To the place. We have inscribed this shule with the poorest dress code. Yes. Maybe a black hat to cover the collective comb-over in the men's section. Maybe a suit to cover up the non-button-down Hawaiian shirt over there...Summer is over. It is time to not sin less.

Yes. We already have the Torah, but we have to recommit to it. We have to write it again. We have to learn how to write in a Hebrew that is not script, so that other people can read it.

Then we are told to cover the stones in plaster. Why? To protect them. We protect the Torah. Which is why we have not called Dr. Foresberg to the Torah for 6 years now. Too much spittle comes out when you talk...why I have not answered any of your questions about the Rosh Hashana this year either. Why I always tell you to call the secretary. 

This shule left the shofar on the top of the coat rack. I just spent 2 hours dusting the thing. How many mouths have been on that shofar this year?...No protection.

(27:9) 'This day you shall be a nation to H'.' Rashi says that each day you should see it as though you are entering the covenant with H.'

Earlier in the pasuk it says to listen. 

The day that you listen. The day that satin is off Naftali's arm. The day that Vitrina can once again go to the bathroom. The day that Mrs. Shwarzinger stops preaching the gospel of Mike, at the corner store. He is a sweet man. But that is not what we are supposed to listen to...The question is- what are you using your Power Ball advice for?...He does have good deals on milk.The day that we can listen to Mr. Foresberg in close proximity.

On behalf of this congregation who purchased the cheapest siddurim (prayer books), as that is the commitment to connection is exuded by the polyester Hawaiian shirt day, in the men's section, the least we can do is apologize. Maybe if we listen to the Torah and enter the covenant of H,' we can enter into this coming year as a nation, a community- a people who care enough to purchase bigger siddurim, with larger text. Text large enough so that Mrs. Lowenthal does not have to hold onto Vitrina's arm all of davening, scanning over it with her finger.

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, and is booking his America tour as a Comic-in-Residence for October.

Shabbat Shalom