Matos-Masai Excerpts
מטות-מסעי
Shabbat Shalom
The Jews traveled a lot in the desert. It just took us 15 minutes to read off the places. If the Ba'al Koreh (one reading the Torah) would have taken any longer, we could have relived it in real time...
The Tribes of Reuven, Gad and half of Menashe decide they want to stay on the other side of the Jordan. They apparently don't want to go into Israel, because they have a lot of livestock, and the land is good for grazing. Kind of like all of the people who moved out to Chinoga because of the gated neighborhoods that keep out people. Just more people in our community without belief in H.' Even Chabad hasn't moved out to Chinoga...You don't want to be part of the Jewish people. We get it. If you need the beach, then OK- you are visiting...
H' is assumed to not be happy, as for 40 years we are preparing- due to the sin of the spies- and then, finally the Jews are ready for entrance into Israel and money gets in the way. Pretty much like everybody here. How many people joined the shule? None. Nobody here is paying their dues. Nobody here cares to support the building fund. Nobody has yet to have buried Hymie, who Bernie has been waiting to get rid of for forty years...You haven't spoken since the day he sent people to check out your shop, so he could open a competing business...
No silver lining in our community.
But those two and half tribes suggest (32:17-19) that they go in and fight with their brethren. They make a choice to join in the battle. Even though, they are not entering Israel, they are willing to fight for it, with their people...Whether
Volunteering to go. When was the last time anybody in this congregation volunteered?
The home for the elderly? We send the kids to dance for them. To make them feel like idiots, so they can't move themselves. How many of you like to have discussions with second grade children. 'So cute, watching them do what I cannot in this wheelchair.' How are you supposed to complain to the children after the performance about arthritis?
The shule BBQ? It was an un-contained fire. There was not one person that said, 'I will watch over it. I will make sure everybody else has their hot dog first. I understand that I have distanced myself from Gd and our people by moving to Chinoga.'
The soup kitchen? That is a mockery. 'You are starving. Have some soup.' Might as well send second graders to serve it to them. Then the second graders could tell them all about the pizza bagels and how filling they are.
Bring something of substance. Maybe some chicken. If it has to be in soup form. Soup with chicken. In this day and age where finally our people have made it back to the land of Israel, that is how distanced you all are from the tradition. You don't even know what chicken soup is....
Moshe gave them a speech about the whole thing. They felt guilty and they volunteered. I am getting strange looks from you people. Bernie is now asking how he can make money off of volunteering...That is not in the spirit of volunteering.
And who has volunteered for the shule?...Mrs. Goldschmidt, you don't even volunteer to help with the carpool. Everyday you child is late...
Moshe responds (32:20-23) that if you do as you say, and you fight with your Am Yisrael and conquer the land, then this land you are taking for your selfish reasons, is your land to be had...
But if you do not go in and fight with your brethren, it will be your sinning before H.'
How many of you have even fought for your community? There was a racial slur and everybody ran
All so comfortable, you don't even think of Israel. That is why there is no tradition here. You are sinners to the soup kitchen. It was the most cardigans ever seen in one soup kitchen...
Bernie. You should not go to Israel to fight. You are too old. But everybody who is not Bernie, What gives you the right to not be manning the grill at the BBQ? What gives you the right to not bury Hymie? What gives you the right to not play Bingo with the old people? What gives you the right to eat pizza bagels? What gives you the right to be a heretic living in Chinoga?
Eating Gazpacho. You should be ashamed.
***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, and is booking his America tour as a Comic-in-Residence for October.
Shabbat Shalom
Shabbat Shalom
The Jews traveled a lot in the desert. It just took us 15 minutes to read off the places. If the Ba'al Koreh (one reading the Torah) would have taken any longer, we could have relived it in real time...
The Tribes of Reuven, Gad and half of Menashe decide they want to stay on the other side of the Jordan. They apparently don't want to go into Israel, because they have a lot of livestock, and the land is good for grazing. Kind of like all of the people who moved out to Chinoga because of the gated neighborhoods that keep out people. Just more people in our community without belief in H.' Even Chabad hasn't moved out to Chinoga...You don't want to be part of the Jewish people. We get it. If you need the beach, then OK- you are visiting...
H' is assumed to not be happy, as for 40 years we are preparing- due to the sin of the spies- and then, finally the Jews are ready for entrance into Israel and money gets in the way. Pretty much like everybody here. How many people joined the shule? None. Nobody here is paying their dues. Nobody here cares to support the building fund. Nobody has yet to have buried Hymie, who Bernie has been waiting to get rid of for forty years...You haven't spoken since the day he sent people to check out your shop, so he could open a competing business...
No silver lining in our community.
But those two and half tribes suggest (32:17-19) that they go in and fight with their brethren. They make a choice to join in the battle. Even though, they are not entering Israel, they are willing to fight for it, with their people...Whether
Volunteering to go. When was the last time anybody in this congregation volunteered?
The home for the elderly? We send the kids to dance for them. To make them feel like idiots, so they can't move themselves. How many of you like to have discussions with second grade children. 'So cute, watching them do what I cannot in this wheelchair.' How are you supposed to complain to the children after the performance about arthritis?
The shule BBQ? It was an un-contained fire. There was not one person that said, 'I will watch over it. I will make sure everybody else has their hot dog first. I understand that I have distanced myself from Gd and our people by moving to Chinoga.'
The soup kitchen? That is a mockery. 'You are starving. Have some soup.' Might as well send second graders to serve it to them. Then the second graders could tell them all about the pizza bagels and how filling they are.
Bring something of substance. Maybe some chicken. If it has to be in soup form. Soup with chicken. In this day and age where finally our people have made it back to the land of Israel, that is how distanced you all are from the tradition. You don't even know what chicken soup is....
Moshe gave them a speech about the whole thing. They felt guilty and they volunteered. I am getting strange looks from you people. Bernie is now asking how he can make money off of volunteering...That is not in the spirit of volunteering.
And who has volunteered for the shule?...Mrs. Goldschmidt, you don't even volunteer to help with the carpool. Everyday you child is late...
Moshe responds (32:20-23) that if you do as you say, and you fight with your Am Yisrael and conquer the land, then this land you are taking for your selfish reasons, is your land to be had...
But if you do not go in and fight with your brethren, it will be your sinning before H.'
How many of you have even fought for your community? There was a racial slur and everybody ran
All so comfortable, you don't even think of Israel. That is why there is no tradition here. You are sinners to the soup kitchen. It was the most cardigans ever seen in one soup kitchen...
Bernie. You should not go to Israel to fight. You are too old. But everybody who is not Bernie, What gives you the right to not be manning the grill at the BBQ? What gives you the right to not bury Hymie? What gives you the right to not play Bingo with the old people? What gives you the right to eat pizza bagels? What gives you the right to be a heretic living in Chinoga?
Eating Gazpacho. You should be ashamed.
***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, and is booking his America tour as a Comic-in-Residence for October.
Shabbat Shalom
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