VaEtchanan Excerpts

ואתחנן

Shabbat Shalom

(5:2-3) H' sealed a covenant with us at Sinai. Not just with our fathers. But with all of us that are alive today.

Dr. Golschmidt can't even seal a letter...Well. Then you just haven't paid your dues.

Everybody asks, 'What is the convenant?' Let us not focus on details here. 

It is the 10 commandments that are then mentioned. It is the mitzvot. That is the covenant...No Professor Shifberg. You do not keep the Mitzvot because you think you weren't at Mount Sinai. Well let me tell you!... 

Must I go through the commandments?

Don't steal, like Mr. Korningstone does in business.

Don't covet thy neighbors wife, like Mr. Fergstein who is not attracted to his wife...We have never seen you peaking over the mechitza to your wife's section.

Do not bare false witness. We all saw how Bernie got out of court duty last month.

Honor thy mother and thy father. This does not mean to put them in a home for old people who do not have kids who love them. The problem with this commandment is that many do not understand the word 'thy.'....

What do we get from the covenant? The real question is, what do we need? For us to know H's will, is that not enough? I have many more questions, but I fear that you will not be able to answer them...Oh. Now we are stuck having to listen to Mr. Freedberg again. No. You can give your answers and thoughts at kiddush. We will wait till then.

Are the mitzvot not enough of a gift? The Torah not enough?

I know that Mike also needs his Mercedes. There is no commandment for the Mercedes, Mike. That is not part of the covenant...Well, I cannot tell you the exact point then. I can tell you that you haven't paid your dues...

(Shemot 19:5-6) We will be a holy nation unto Gd. A kingdom of priests. A beloved, chosen, treasure people.

And you all make a point of not keeping the Mitzvot because you do not want to offend your non-Jewish friends. It is so bothersome that you are part of a people who has a job to keep mitzvot. How can Mrs. Golschmidt tell her husband that he is not part of the people, chosen to work their butts off to keep a mitzvah or two?...Bernie. Did any of your grandchildren marry Jewish? No. Because they heard it was offensive to be part of anything special...And we do an excellent job in this congregation. There has not been one special thing here in years. But, I ask! If you make sure to do nothing special, other than keeping the mitzvot, will that offend anybody? It might offend Bernie and his grandchildren. It might even offend Mr. Fergstein...

You all want to know what you get. What about what you have to do? That is part of a covenant as well. It is not like Mrs. Wishberg's children, who's mom pays the full tuition for day school, the only one in this congregation who is not on scholarship- as she does not have a membership at the Saint MCatherin Country Club- Manfort's first country club built for Jews, who do not study. As that again is a covenant for success- Chas vShalom.

But none of you want to be Chosen. None of you want to be kings. Are the Christians saying, 'We do not want to be decent athletes. Because that separates us from the Jews...that is not fare'????.....

Is that better than keeping the Mitzvot. We need to keep the mitzvot to be this. The chosen nation concept is one that comes with work and connection to Gd. Standing at Sinai is about saying 'I will do and listen or hear.' It is about listening to the commandments, what you rabbi talks about. Wake up Bernie. Smack him.

Is that why Mrs. Freeman doesn't keep one mitzvah? You were just talking Lashon Hara about the rabbi. Does that make you cool? I can read the lips under your hat. They stick out. Does that make you more loved by non-Jews?...You paid for the lip Botox. A lot of money on that. What makes you think that you are worthy of that. That you are better and you deserve bigger lips....But you still do not keep the mitzvot.

Dr. Golschmidt. It might make you a more valuable person to pay your dues. It might make you different then everybody in this congregation. But do not think, for one second, that anybody in this congregation will treat you with respect, if you pay your dues....Being something special to H' and being there at Sinai, will not make you a person people should hate. Doing businesss with Mr. Korningstone. A lot of Botox. Slowing down the golf course at Saint MCatherins. That is what separates you from normal people.

On this Holiday of Tu BAv, the Holiday celebrated as the Holiday of Love in Israel. We ask all the ladies to look to Mrs. Freeman and to bring down the cosmetic surgery a tad.

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, and is booking his America tour as a Comic-in-Residence for October.

Shabbat Shalom