Ekev Excerpts

עקב

Shabbat Shalom

You stomp on the mitzvot. Still. You just take the mitzvot and throw them down, as if they are a bad piece of birthday cake. Probably one of the weirdest experiences I have ever witnessed in my life. Your child is crazy, Mr. Brownstone. Discipline the kid... 

(10:1) It was at the time that Moshe fought on behalf of the people, that H' should not destroy the Jewish people. H' told Moshe to 'chisel out two tablets of stone, like the first ones.'

The first time, it was not done by Moshe. The first time in life, people show you, then you have to do it yourself. 

I have done the Amida (silent prayer) for you all...that is not silent. Start doing it to yourselves. it is not a sing along. It has been done for you. Now it is time to do it yourselves.

The Torah class I have been teaching, it is the same thing every year. I repeat the same class for each Parsha...Why do you even come? I have even taught your kids to play paper football, and now, they are playing it on the carpet. You cannot play that game on carpet...I couldn't tell them they were ruining their pants. Ezra Brownstone started yelling and ripping his pants a hole on the backside. 

You people need stuff done for you a thousand times. Has Mendel over there ever cleaned his room? Has Mendel's parents shown him.

It doesn't say, 'Your rabbi should do everything for you, for thirty years, and then you should still call him to clean the room, as he serves this congregation.' It is not fair. I serve this congregation, and you are all taking advantage.

The city wanted to shut down this shule. I had to argue that we are raising normal children here....When Ezra rips out a huge patch of grass at the middle of the summer Lily festival...

Teach a man to fish and he will ask you to show him how you did it again, because it is enjoyable to watch other people do stuff for you. I will not clean anymore. When Pesach comes around, you have to now clean your own cars. I have taught you all how to clean.

No more calling the rabbi to change your tires.

(10:2) The same things were written on it.

You don't have to be fancy, you just have to listen. Listen to the message. Do something with Ezra that will make him not crazy...The Amida is silent. It is the same thing, three times a day. You don't have to be creative. Your creativity has lead to crazy little children and families that are all hippy in nature. Clean. And then do whatever your smoking is...You can't smoke first. 

(10:3) He made a housing for the Loochot/tablets.

You need to make a place for the holy things. The problem is that there is no place in your homes for discipline. I have seen your homes. Make a corner... Clean them out.

No house and it just goes off. No meaning. Why? No kavod. You forget what you learned that first time. You forget every Parsha. You forget your tradition. You forget that your parents used to smack you.

Sing alongs are not going to bring us closer to having normal children. They are not going to get the family to help clean up.

(10:11) Once this is all fulfilled. This understanding that there are Commandments and they are serious, or Moshe will get mad, then H' says to to get up and go 'and they will inherit the land that I swore to their forefathers, to give to them.'

We could have been killed, but we became worthy of inheriting the land. Maybe Moshe became worthy for us. Maybe enough people died...How many carpets have to be replace? How many parks have to be killed by this congregation and their inability to contain a fire. I pleaded to the parks commisioner to give this congregation one more chance. I told him we will bring a BBQ this time.

Does anybody thank Moshe? For his prayers to H' not to kill us?

Does anybody thank this rabbi?

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, and is booking his America tour as a Comic-in-Residence for October.

Shabbat Shalom