Shoftim Excerpts

שופטים

Shabbat Shalom

(18:9) Don't do like the other nations...Stop trying to compete in sports. Jews should do what we are good at and sit by the pool. The Mendelson kid is still trying to compete in swimming. All you guys do is like the other nations. Wearing your hat like you are a five year old child whose mom did not dress him, tilted, with the visor off to the side...You are a 65 year old man Max. Your swag is scarring the children.

(18:10-12) Don't do idol worship. Do not pass your kids through the fire.

Why do I find myself having to tell you this? Why is it that Jewish people think it is a good idea to pass your children through fire? Just because the Goyim do it? Danger. Stay away from danger....Bernie the other day is standing up from his seat without the use of his hands. Stop trying to be a showoff. You are not an athlete anymore.

You have Mickey with her eating fire trick she does at weddings. Safety comes first. 

Then we see not to have sorcerers and people who read stuff and charms...How many parties have I been to were I see these young people reading palms...It does not make a difference if they are using it to pick up the girls.

Magic tricks? I have seen the guy walking around with the cards. I picked a card. It was the card of sin...Yes Mickey, magic tricks are forbidden. Not entertaining. Same thing....

The Jews get kicked out of Israel because of this stuff. You follow the wrong ways, like Bernie, and you end up at Chinoga Falls, in a three story home on a five acre plot of land, and your own swimming pool. Yes. Driving to shule. Curse does follow the sinner. So follow the rules...

The Leviim get their portions of your stuff, there are rules. When you come into Israel, there are rules...And these rules are not followed by this congregation. Max Levi has to show up to work every day. What kind of a portion is the steel factory?..And our gabbai doesn't even give him an Aliyah. Even that is not in his portion. Maybe Galila...

Max Levi's portion is very small. It makes you question why he even works. It would be more Levi'itish for him to take Tzedkah (charity)...This is not about Max and his failures. 

There are many heretics in this community...

(18:13) You shall be with H' with innocence, wholly. 

Rosh Hodesh. The nay nay nays in the Hallel were off. You finish the words, that is all you needed to sing. But instead, you all try to be like the Goyim and harmonize. How we have shamed... 

After twenty minutes of singing the words, do we also need Nay Nay Nays? I did not feel fully connected to Gd...But I still did not wear my hat off to the side, because I am not against H.'

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, and is booking his America tour as a Comic-in-Residence for October.

Shabbat Shalom