Ki Teitzei Excerpts

כי תצא

Shabbat Shalom

You make Neder, a vow, you have to follow through....Talking about being a man of your word Bernie...I waited five hours for the golfing lesson. You never came. (23:24) 'What comes out of your lips, you must guard and do...'

The Mishebeirachs (blessings for families you make after getting called to the Torah, which aren't necessary or wanted by the congregation) were made. Where is the money. You said you are giving, 'A gift to the shule.' We sat for 15 minutes, while you pulled out your tablet...no Bernie. It is wrong to pull out your tablet on Shabbat...The gift is a new doily holder for the women's head coverings. That is a gift for nobody. 

It is that there is no consideration for others.

What are you sitting in the guy's vineyard for? (23:25) You can eat in the vineyard, but you cannot fill up your own vessel. 

You all are walking out with the food. We had a shule dinner...I invited you for dinner, not for a shopping spree. You filled up the purse Fran. You weren't guests. It was a dinner heist. And then bringing your own vessels. Who brings vessels to a dinner? A bag, maybe. A vessel? You brought pottery Melvin. Cloth makes sense. It is easier to carry. Even when it was uncomfortable, you still went against the Torah, just to spite. And then you don't even let your workers eat...

It also doesn't mean that you should be bringing your whole family for sit down dinners in the vineyard. It is not a park. It is Shlomi's private property.

(23:26) You can take grain that you pluck, but you can't go into your friend's field with a sickle. You go to the store. you make a purchase. A bunch of freeloaders. That is what we are seeing here. Freeloaders who buy sickles and want everybody to sit for 15 minutes to listen to them raddle off every distant relative...

(24:1-5) And you can't divorce and remarry the same woman, after she has been with another man. I know many of you want a little time away from your families here. It is annoying. I get it. We all have a son like Michael. We need to get away. But you cannot just think about yourself. It is not a dinner party in Shlomi's vineyard.

If we have anymore Mishebeirachs, I vow I am going to divorce this congregation...I want the whole Michelson mishpuchi to make a Neder that they will not steal food from my home...It wasn't finished. That is our meal for tomorrow...I don't know why we don't make it clear to the guests that they are not supposed to eat all the food...Take it up with my wife.

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.

David also tours as a Maggid around the world, with very few stories.

Shabbat Shalom