Shoftim Excerpts

שופטים

Shabbat Shalom

We need Shoftim. Judges…Yes Bernie. It is out of control here. This congregation is out of control. People coming to in shorts. Rules must be enforced…

 (17:16) Kings are not allowed have too many horses. You all are making too much of a living. No more working here, lest you ‘bring the nation back to Egypt.’ I, for one, am not going back to Egypt. I will not. I shall not. Stop pushing me for the shule tour to go to Egypt next year.

You should all be living in Israel and not working…It is the money…You have too many horses. You are the only people in the state that play polo.

(17:18-20) Follow Torah. It is about focus. You either have money or Torah. Choose.

You cannot follow the Torah if you have too much money. Which is why we are raising the dues in the shule...You have bet away half of the funds…Stocks? Horses? It’s the same thing.

Too much country club attendance still going on. The summer is over. No more shorts. This is not a place to have a good time. We are praying here…

(18:9) Don’t learn from the immorality תועבה of the nations. All you do is the disgustingness of the non-Jews. None of the good stuff. You could be decent congregants, like the non-Jews. But instead, you learn from their disgustingness…wearing shorts to shule.

What do we do? What laws do we follow? You have to follow the word of H,’ through the prophets.

If not the prophet, the rabbi

But We have a fake prophet in our midst. (18:22) How do we know he is fake? If he says something and it doesn’t come true. We all placed money on the polo match. Steve said we would win. And yet… Congregation Beis Emes Sefilah let everybody down again.

This is why we need refuge towns…We need a place for people who make dumb decisions. Our congregation was founded on this one tenant. People who did something wrong…I know the congregants Bernie. I can put two and two together.

(19:4-5) People kill unintentionally. That is OK. We need a place for people who make mistakes.

Refugee towns are a place for people who make mistakes. Kill because an ax flies off. Maybe you used the wrong cleaning product. Is it not enough that Herman lost his job? What is the death of one lady, when Herman is without a job? And now there are people who do not want to pray with Herman. They call Herman a killer. Maybe Mr. Clean is a murderer…Does it not say ‘Do not eat’ on the package?.. Herman at least to does not have any money.

Topeka, our hometown has a lot of people who make mistakes. The Shwarzengerrs moved here…

(19:11-12) And if there is a man that hates the man he killed, then they send the man outside of the city. They can’t go to the city of refuge.

If anybody were to kill Bernie, there is no saving them…nobody likes you. You took away their seat. You wear shorts to shule. Not one person in this congregation is in your will…All your money has went to the horses.

When there is money, there is no law. People wear whatever they want. They show up to shule late…I will not go back to Egypt.